100+ Funny, Modern & Absurdist Fortune Cookie Quotes for 2025

Let's face it: "You will meet an interesting stranger" doesn't hit the same way it used to.

We've been writing fortune cookie messages — both by hand and with AI — for a while now, and one thing has become clear: the fortunes people actually share, screenshot, and post on social media aren't the inspirational ones. They're the absurd ones. The ones that make you laugh-snort in a restaurant. The ones that call you out so accurately you wonder if the cookie is sentient.

So we decided to compile the ultimate list. Some of these came from our AI fortune generator, some from user submissions, and some from the collective imagination of the internet. We've organized them by category because even chaos deserves structure.

The "Brainrot" Edition: Pure Absurdity

For those who want their wisdom delivered with absolutely zero context. These fortunes make no sense and perfect sense simultaneously.

1. "Your future is as bright as a deep-fried meme."
2. "A goose in a sombrero holds the key to your promotion. Do not question the goose."
3. "You will soon discover your spirit animal is a Roomba trapped in a corner."
4. "Warning: This cookie was generated by an AI hallucinating about snacks."
5. "The vibes are off. Abort mission immediately."
6. "You are the main character, but the genre is a low-budget documentary about naps."
7. "To find true happiness, you must first unmute the group chat. Just kidding — don't do that."
8. "An unexpected notification will change your mood today. (It's a software update.)"
9. "Your aura is reading 'chaotic neutral' today. Embrace it."
10. "The algorithm knows what you want. Unfortunately, what you want is more algorithms."

Why absurdist humor works in fortune cookies: There's actually a psychological term for this — benign violation theory, proposed by researchers Peter McGraw and Caleb Warren. Humor happens when something is simultaneously wrong (a violation of expectations) and harmless (benign). A fortune cookie that says "The goose holds the key to your promotion" violates every expectation you have of wisdom — and that's precisely why it's funny.

Corporate Survival Guide: Work Fortunes for the Remote Era

Work has never been weirder. These fortunes are for anyone who has successfully sent an email that said "per my last email" without screaming.

11. "Your camera is on. Yes, they saw you roll your eyes."
12. "A meeting that could have been an email is in your immediate future."
13. "Beware of colleagues using the phrase 'circle back.' It is a trap."
14. "Success is just around the corner, buried under 4,000 unread Slack notifications."
15. "You will finally achieve Inbox Zero, but at what cost?"
16. "The printer knows your fear. Act confident."
17. "Your next 'quick sync' will last 58 minutes."
18. "HR is watching. Delete the meme."
19. "Promotions come to those who know how to unmute themselves instantly."
20. "Today is a great day to 'reply all' by mistake. Tread carefully."

A 2024 survey by Owl Labs found that 62% of remote workers attend at least one "unnecessary" meeting per day. So fortune #12 isn't just funny — it's statistically validated.

Modern Dating Disasters: Swipe Left on Fate

For the app-based daters, these fortunes offer little hope but plenty of solidarity.

21. "He's not mysterious — he's just avoiding therapy."
22. "Your soulmate is currently ghosting someone else. Destiny takes time."
23. "A 'Hey' text is coming. It will be from an ex. Do not engage."
24. "True love is real, but so is your high standard for memes. Choose wisely."
25. "You will match with a bot today. They will be more attentive than your last date."
26. "The red flags are just confetti if you squint hard enough."
27. "Your love life needs a software update."
28. "Reinstalling the app won't fix the algorithm, but it might fix your boredom."
29. "Date the person who likes your weird Spotify Wrapped."
30. "Love is blind, but your screenshots are forever."

The "Anti-Fortune": Brutally Honest Edition

Sometimes you don't need false hope. You need a reality check from a cookie.

31. "You should probably drink some water. You look dehydrated."
32. "That outfit choice was bold. Not 'good,' but bold."
33. "Nobody is looking at your Instagram story. Go to sleep."
34. "Your lucky numbers are: 4, 0, 4. Luck not found."
35. "Stop doomscrolling. The cookie is judging you."
36. "The gym misses you. It's been 84 years."
37. "You are forgetting something important. Is it the stove? It's probably the stove."
38. "Luck is for people who prepare. You are just winging it."
39. "Your main problem is that you think you're the exception. You're the rule."
40. "Eat a vegetable today. Please. For the love of fate."

The "anti-fortune" genre has exploded in popularity partly because it taps into what psychologists call self-deprecating humor as a coping mechanism. Research published in Personality and Individual Differences (2018) found that people who enjoy self-deprecating humor tend to score higher on measures of emotional resilience and social connection. Laughing at yourself, it turns out, is actually good for you.

Existential Dread: Fortune Cookies for Overthinkers

For those who can't stop wondering whether the cookie is a metaphor.

41. "You are overthinking this fortune. It's a cookie."
42. "Free will is an illusion, but the buffet is real."
43. "The void gazes back, but it also thinks you're pretty."
44. "You can't control the future. You can barely control your screen time."
45. "Somewhere, a parallel universe version of you is also eating this cookie. They are also confused."
46. "Life is short. Also long. Mostly confusing. Have a cookie."
47. "The meaning of life is: 42. Also, tip your server."
48. "You are a unique snowflake. In a blizzard. Nobody can see you."
49. "If you're reading this, congratulations: you exist. The rest is optional."
50. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with losing your charger."

Foodie Fortunes: Because You're Literally Eating a Cookie

51. "This cookie is the most honest relationship you'll have today."
52. "The fortune inside the next cookie is better. But you already ate this one."
53. "Your sushi order reveals more about your personality than any horoscope."
54. "Avocado toast is not a retirement plan. Or is it? (It's not.)"
55. "The secret ingredient is always MSG. Always."
56. "You will soon have an unreasonable craving for something you just saw on TikTok."
57. "One does not simply eat 'just one' dumpling."
58. "The leftover pizza in your fridge has plans for your midnight self."
59. "You will pretend to read the wine menu. Just pick the second cheapest."
60. "Ranch dressing is not a personality trait, but it's close."

Finance & Adulting: Fortune Cookies for Your Wallet

61. "You will check your bank balance today. You will immediately regret it."
62. "A sale is not 'saving money' if you weren't going to buy it."
63. "Your crypto investment is in the stars. Unfortunately, the stars are collapsing."
64. "The universe wants you to treat yourself. Your budget does not."
65. "Cancel a subscription today. You have at least three you forgot about."
66. "Compound interest is the eighth wonder of the world. Your student loans agree."
67. "A financial advisor would help. So would a time machine."
68. "Stop buying things to feel something. Feel things to stop buying."
69. "Your retirement plan is 'hoping for the best.' Bold strategy."
70. "You will soon justify an unnecessary purchase as 'self-care.'"

Technology & Screen Time: The Digital Age Fortunes

71. "Your phone battery will die at the worst possible moment. Plan accordingly."
72. "The WiFi password is always 'ask at the counter.' The counter is a lie."
73. "An update is available. It will fix nothing and break everything."
74. "You have 47 open browser tabs. Close 46 of them. Keep this one."
75. "The algorithm thinks it knows you. It does. That should concern you."
76. "Your screen time report is not a competition, but if it were, you're winning."
77. "Somewhere, your data is being sold. It was worth $0.003."
78. "The cloud is just someone else's computer. Your memories live on a stranger's hard drive."
79. "You will screenshot this fortune. You will never look at the screenshot again."
80. "Airplane mode is the closest you'll get to inner peace."

Wholesome Surprises: Fortunes That Are Actually Nice

Not everything has to be sarcastic. Sometimes a cookie just wants to be kind.

81. "Someone is thinking about you right now. Not in a creepy way. In a nice way."
82. "You handled last week better than you think you did."
83. "The person you were five years ago would be really proud of you."
84. "You don't need permission to rest."
85. "Your kindness has a ripple effect you'll never fully see."
86. "It's okay to not have a plan. The cookie doesn't judge."
87. "You are exactly where you need to be. Also, this restaurant has good dumplings."
88. "The best chapter of your story hasn't been written yet."
89. "You are loved. Even the cookie knows this."
90. "Take a deep breath. You earned this cookie."

Bonus: Fortunes That Break the Fourth Wall

91. "This fortune has been read by approximately 0 people before you. You are the beta tester."
92. "The person who wrote this fortune is also procrastinating."
93. "If this fortune resonated with you, our algorithm is working. If not, blame the temperature parameter."
94. "This cookie was folded by a machine that processes 4 million cookies daily. You are special to the machine."
95. "Error 418: I'm a teapot. Also, good things are coming."
96. "This fortune was generated by AI. The AI hopes you have a nice day. (It doesn't actually hope. It's math.)"
97. "You are reading a piece of paper that was baked inside a cookie. The future is weird."
98. "SEGFAULT: Fortune not found. Just kidding — believe in yourself."
99. "This fortune cookie runs on JavaScript. Pray for it."
100. "End of list. But not the end of your luck. Generate more →"

Why Funny Fortune Cookies Go Viral

There's a reason funny fortune cookies get shared more than inspirational ones. According to research on social sharing by Jonah Berger (author of Contagious: Why Things Catch On), content gets shared when it triggers high-arousal emotions — and humor is one of the strongest. His research found that content that evokes amusement is 30% more likely to be shared than content that evokes sadness or calm contentment.

Fortune cookies have a built-in advantage: they're physical objects that create a moment of communal experience. When someone cracks open a funny fortune at a dinner table, everyone laughs. That shared moment is what people want to recreate when they screenshot the fortune and post it online.

This is exactly why we built our AI fortune generator with a "funny" theme option. The most-selected theme on our platform? You guessed it — funny. By a wide margin.

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Want to see what the AI has in store for you personally? Generate your own fortune — it might tell you exactly what you didn't want to hear. Or explore our full collection of 500+ fortune messages for more inspiration.